


An Unconventional Birthday Treat

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Does it count as dirty talk if it's poetry?, Double Penetration, F/M, Humor, Multi, Poetry, Praise Kink, Prostitution, Threesome - F/M/M, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Dave and Rose hire a prostitute as a birthday treat.
Relationships: Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider/Roxy's Mom | Alpha Rose Lalonde, Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider/Roxy's Mom | Alpha Rose Lalonde
Comments: 16
Kudos: 52





	An Unconventional Birthday Treat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheMockingCrows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMockingCrows/gifts).



> Happy birthday Ryn! You're an absolutely wonderful person and I'm so, so glad we're friends!

TG: its kind of a married couple rents a boy for a birthday treat situation  
BRO: How much of a kind of?  
TT: Well, we’re unmarried, you’re not a boy, and that description implies a couple of nervous boomers frantically trying to spice things up, only to find that they’re hiring an evening that will reorient the wife’s desire, opening her eyes to the fact that it wasn’t her sexuality that had aged, but her husband’s dick.  
TG: and obviously that has no bearing on whats happening here  
TT: None whatsoever.  
TG: she likes my dick fine  
TT: Sometimes I write poetry for it.  
TG: thats actually true and i kinda wish you’d stop  
TT: No you don’t.  
TG: no i dont  
BRO: Okay.  
BRO: So apart from having very dexterous fingers, ripe for typing way faster than should be allowed,  
BRO: Anything I should know?  
TT: We’re terribly famous and shan’t be giving you our real names.  
BRO: You want I should call you Tentacle?  
TG: (shant?)  
TT: (Shh.)  
TT: My name is Scarlet Fever.  
TT: I’m an heiress from a very old family, but have been disinherited because of my scandalous behaviour.  
BRO: You don’t gotta make up a character, or even a name really, I’m discrete.  
TG: and im eduardo surname  
TG: a rascally orphan turned rascally heistman  
TG: oceans 11 and 13 were based on me  
TG: but not 12 obviously  
TG: that shit was not realistic  
BRO: Okay, fine, are we roleplaying?  
BRO: Do I need a character?  
TT: God no.  
TT: If you think “Eduardo” can keep focused enough to maintain a narrative while on his back then you do not know this man you have never met before.  
TG: you make them way too complicated  
TG: its so not my fault  
TG: and im pretty sure youre supposed to roll with shit in improv  
TG: not yell at your husband for ruining your suspension of disbelief for rhyming torturer with sorceror  
TT: You _weren’t_ a fucking sorceror though.  
TG: sorcerors dont exist dude maybe i double majored  
TT: If you’d come up with the double major thing on the night then maybe we could have gotten laid.  
BRO: You know I charge by the minute for my time, right?  
TG: hush dear were terribly famous and shant be paying attention to such pecuniary matters  
BRO: Fine.  
TT: We filled out those sheets on our yums and yucks, isn’t that enough?  
BRO: I’m very flattered you think I’ve managed to condense all the relevant concerns onto one sheet of paper, but I assure you that’s not true.  
BRO: For example, _did_ you want me to play a character, be a bland whore or be myself?  
TG: yeah like were gonna get that last one  
TT: Imagine being that naive, Eduardo.  
TG: i honestly cant scarlet  
TT: An approximation of honesty would be lovely, but we chose you for the picture where you had what I assume was two days worth of stubble and a grin like, how did you phrase it, Eduardo?  
TG: a grin like holy shit i want my dick in there  
TT: That’s the one.  
BRO: Got it.  
BRO: And you’re firm on this date.  
TG: yeah dude its not birthday sex if its not the birthday duh  
TT: Why?  
BRO: Coincidently, it’s my birthday.  
TT: Ooh, let’s tip him extra.  
TG: and get him a cake  
TT: And sing!  
TG: you cant sing babe  
TT: The beauty of birthday songs is that they require no talent at all, just unadulterated enthusiasm.  
BRO: Could we perhaps get back to the unadulterated enthusiasm over other matters part?  
TT: Boo.  
TG: if he doesnt like us chatty when he can put the phone down to take a leak he is gonna HATE us in person  
TT: Oh, I think I like that.  
TG: not in front of the hooker dear  
BRO: Seriously, any other requests that weren’t covered in the questionnaire?  
TT: Will you wear a little hat on your penis if I knit one?  
TG: dude how many penis hats do we have  
TT: We can’t ask him to wear one of your penis hats, that would be rude.  
TT: Relatedly, what is the circumference of your penis and would you describe its skin tone as “autumnal”?  
BRO: Jesus Christ.  
BRO: With what you’re paying, I’ll wear whatever you want.  
BRO: I will need extra to feign finding your bullshit charming.  
TT: He’s clever, Eduardo. He’s adapting because I said I might like him to hate us.  
TG: damn son  
TG: thats slick af  
TT: We’re really not planning on getting much more kinky than a devil’s threeway with a prostitute already implies.  
TG: yeah i mean were open to it if inspiration strikes  
TG: but we dont even know how this is gonna go down  
TG: fingers crossed we dont fuckin stall out at the kissing part  
TG: not that we would probably but you know chemistry  
TG: obvs wed still pay you but also were not locking ourselves into something here  
TT: Right, and even if the chemistry is excellent, getting particularly adventurous requires an amount of trust that I’m not sure can be generated in 24 hours, however magical they may be.  
BRO: That’s very mature.  
TT: Also, like, what if you’re not as hot as your pictures?  


*

Bro arrives at the proposed hotel with two-and-a-half days worth of stubble on his cheeks, ripped jeans that were not like that when he bought them and his favourite polo popped like he never gets to wear at work. The concierge looks appalled and picks up the phone, clearly summoning management of some kind. Bro grins at her. 

A man in aviators and a suit exits the stairwell and his lips quirk up slightly when he sees Bro. He holds up his hand in greeting, strides purposefully over to him and shakes his hand. Bro glances over to see the concierge’s expression get a lot more surprised. 

_’So_ glad you came,’ “Eduardo” says. ‘Daphne, this is my favourite person in the world right now. Short of actual fire on my actual floor, please don’t disturb us. Like seriously, if there’s a fire on floor 38, fuckin’ deal with it and let us be, got it?’

Daphne the concierge nods, putting on a service industry smile. Eduardo wraps an arm around Bro’s shoulders and guides him to the lift. 

‘Soz I wasn’t in the lobby waiting for you, I got impatient about the lift and got it into my head that the stairs would be quicker, which is fuckin’ nonsense and Scarlet warned me, dog, but there you go.’ The elevator doors close as Eduardo does not let up in his talking for even a second, which Bro honestly should have seen coming. ‘Dude, you’re hot as hell, I’m a little worried that the very cool and not hurtful at all scenario Scarlet described about you reawakening some abandoned libido might come true.’

Bro raises his eyebrows and looks Eduardo up and down. He’s plenty hot, black suit beautifully tailored to his slim frame and a jawline to start wars over. Or lick, if he’s into that. Kinda sounded like this was an “all for her” situation, given the birthday of it all, which is cool. Frustrating, given that not all of Bro’s clients are this good looking, but cool.

‘Yeah, yeah, I know,’ Eduardo says, shrugging self-effacingly without taking his arm from Bro’s shoulders. ‘I’m not actually in denial over this sitch, it’s just, you know, _wow.’_

Okay, maybe he’s in with a shot. God that’s a weird thing for him to think, given that he’s literally being paid to be here.

‘Anyway, Scarlet and I have really developed our characters since last we spoke. Not really, but we’ve been using our fake names all morning and we’re probably not gonna slip up, so that’s something. And also taking advantage of the ridiculous room we’ve got here because you’re gonna cream your jeans when you see it, honest, I nearly did and I’m famous as shit.’

The elevator opens to the penthouse floor. There’s only one room. Eduardo swipes his card and guides Bro in and he kind of gets it. He’s not sexually attracted to fancy shit, so he doesn’t actually ejaculate to it, but he is impressed. 

Eduardo moves his hand down to Bro’s lower back and guides him through the suite until they get to this strangely intimate nook in the middle of all the modern stainless steel and glass. Sitting in an armchair with her feet tucked underneath her, eyes firmly on a book, is a familiar face. Bro feels a little starstruck and makes a promise to himself that he will _not_ fail to call her Scarlet. 

Eduardo leaves Bro standing there so he can move quietly to Bro’s favourite author, kissing her on the temple and then her cheek, her neck. She moves her head so he can, but can’t seem to stop reading. 

‘How long till the end of the chapter,’ Eduardo murmurs. 

“Scarlet” flicks the pages, thumb holding her place.

‘Five,’ she says.

‘C’mon, babe, find a paragraph or something.’

Scarlet makes a pained noise.

‘I know you can, if you can do it for fucking Oprah you can do it for me, I’m so much better in bed than Oprah.’

Scarlet laughs and pushes Eduardo’s face away. He stands, goofy smile on his face that fades into a smaller but still undeniable smile as he stands. 

‘Can I get you a drink, man?’ he asks. 

‘What you got?’ Bro asks. 

Eduardo waves his hand to prompt Bro to follow him to the kitchen. Full on kitchen, none of this mini fridge crap. He opens a cupboard and Bro joins him to peer inside.

‘Got beer?’

‘Yeah,’ Eduardo laughs. ‘Scarlet made me go get some.’

He opens the fridge and passes Bro a Heineken. He takes one for himself and knocks the cap off with the aid of the heel of his hand and the very fancy looking island bench. Bro shrugs and does the same.

‘So, happy birthday,’ Eduardo says, holding his beer out so that Bro can knock it with the neck of his.

‘Thanks,’ Bro says. ‘Any other plans for you two?’

‘We do one experience on each of our birthdays now. Too many _objects_ in our houses, no need to add to them. And I never know what books she’s already got. Got her an app for that too, she doesn’t use it.’

Bro nods and leans against the island. He’s not exactly the kind to just start fucking his clients against the wall, but he’s also not quite used to small talk. 

‘You live in LA?’ he asks.

‘Yeah, just thought it’d be better here rather than home … neutral, you know?’

‘Wasn’t judgin’.’

‘Oh, no, yeah, I know.’

It’s awkward, waiting for someone else so they can talk about what’s going to happen. Bro can handle a bit of awkward. Not _conversationally_ though. 

‘So, prostitution,’ Eduardo says, clearly unable to think of anything else.

‘Yup.’

‘I take it you don’t need saving.’

‘Dude, you saw how much I charge. I could retire if I wanted, I like it.’

‘Just askin’.’

Aaaand no more talking. Scarlet walks past them, book still in hand, and opens the fridge, takes a beer out and hands it to Eduardo. He removes the cap and hands it back. She manages to take a sip without her eyes leaving the page. 

‘Nearly done, love of my life?’ Eduardo asks.

‘Mmm,’ Scarlet says. 

‘Dude, there’s a literal hooker in our kitchen, could you read this some other time.’

‘Mmm.’

‘She always like this?’ Bro asks.

‘Literally yes,’ Eduardo says. ‘She probably can’t hear us right now, I’ve taken her on set with me—I mean, to heists, obviously, heist sets—and she just reads all day, doesn’t take a damn thing in. And if she doesn’t bring enough books, she steals my script—heist plan—and scribbles all over it in purple fucking pen. I’ve bought her so many pencils. And her notes are _so long.’_

Bro finds himself smiling. Not just because Eduardo’s talking difficulty vanished when talking about Scarlet, which is pretty sweet, but because Bro hoped she’d be like this. When she slaps the book closed, it catches both the men’s attention. 

‘Good book?’ Bro asks.

‘Not really,’ Scarlet says, her eyes roving over him assessingly. ‘You’re _very_ attractive.’

‘Likewise,’ Bro says. ‘And happy birthday.’

Scarlet looks back at Eduardo. They share an amused look.

‘Oh, no,’ Scarlet says. ‘My birthday is _tomorrow._ He’s taking me to a wine tasting competition, at which I will use our celebrity to get onto the judging panel and then use very inappropriate words to describe the wine.’

Well, Bro has grossly misread this situation. He doesn’t show his surprise so much as look to Eduardo for confirmation. 

‘Yeah, it’s for me,’ he says sheepishly. ‘I mean, not the you part. Not _not_ the you part.’

‘We’re famous and wealthy, we both hire prostitutes sometimes.’

‘Yeah, Scarlet’s kinda my treat. Having her and you at the same time.’

Bro raises his eyebrows, reshuffling his perceptions and plans. He can work with this, obviously. He no longer has to wonder if he’ll get at both of them, or not in the same way. 

‘Right,’ he says. ‘So, do you want to chill for a bit or hit the showers?’

‘We’re clean,’ Scarlet says.

‘So am I, let’s still go for fun.’

‘I really am into him being a little bit dangerous,’ Scarlet tells Eduardo. ‘Let’s talk first, showers make Eduardo handsy.’

Scarlet leads the way to a living room. She and Eduardo take one armchair, him sitting on her knee. Not even in a kink way, she flicks him on the forehead for it, he just seems way into his not-wife. 

‘You have a script,’ Scarlet prompts. 

Bro nods and gets into it, reasserting safe words and gestures for when their mouths aren’t free, that they must use protection and that if they don’t respect his limits he will punch them, leave, and keep their money. They listen to him without interrupting and then answer his questions as he starts to suss them out. They transition neatly into chatting, which is good. They need to be relaxed with him. 

‘Obviously you’re very special and we treasure your company, but we’re fairly casual about prostitution,’ Scarlet says. 

_’You’re_ casual, my honeys are my friends.’

‘I can’t cure him of this ridiculousness, Bro, perhaps you can convince him that he isn’t actually friends with the people he pays for sex.’

‘I dunno,’ Bro shrugs. ‘I been seein’ this one dude for like five years, I’d call us friends.’

_’See,’_ Eduardo says. ‘She’s always underestimating how naturally charming I am, which is bullshit because I charm her every damn day.’

‘We mostly hire them because of the distance between our homes,’ she says, smiling as she moves past his claim. ‘I live in New York, and we sometimes get caught up in our work and neglect to visit.’

‘So I’m the first you’ve had together?’ Bro asks.

‘Physically, yes. Sometimes we still get involved.’

‘She means that sometimes she calls me and talks me off while I’m getting nailed like a loose floorboard by a carpenter who is never gonna fuckin’ trip on me again.’

They look at each each other affectionately, as if that was a romantic anecdote. Bro reflects, not for the first time in his career, that it’s nice to not have to deal with prostitution virginity. Even if this is something somewhat different, he can trust that they know what they’re getting into.

‘This isn’t the most unorthodox birthday experience we’ve done,’ Eduardo says. ‘Last year we got jobs as mall Santa and Mrs Claus, it was fuckin’ hilarious.’

‘Less funny for the store when we resigned after one day on the job.’

‘We would’a got fired anyway, you kept telling the kids that the North Pole was a socialist utopia.’

‘Is it not? With the exception of non-conformist reindeer bullying, there appears to be no onus for the creatures to work; they do so for the passion they hold. Their healthcare, lodging and other necessities are all provided, they—’

‘C’mon, babe. This isn’t what we’re talkin’ about.’

Scarlet looks slightly put out about being interrupted, but then meets Bro’s eyes and smiles apologetically.

‘And the year before that, was it skateboarding lessons?’

‘Dude, don’t let slip I can’t skate in front of Bro.’

‘We’re going to be literally naked with him shortly.’

‘Rose, I’m secure in my dick, skateboarding is part of my _brand.’_

‘Just because you invite Tony Hawk to your birthdays doesn’t make it part of your brand, _Dave.’_

It takes them a couple of seconds before they realise what they’ve said. Rose covers her face with her hand.

‘Oh shit,’ Dave says.

‘Should I still call you Eduardo and Scarlet?’

‘Probably pointless,’ Rose sighs. 

‘Your comfort isn’t pointless,’ Bro sighs.

‘Yeah, but you know now, so whatever. I mean, if you didn’t know before.’

Bro shrugs. Dave turns to raise his eyebrows at Rose, as if to say, _you see?_

‘I mean I still got no idea who you are, dude,’ Bro says. ‘But yeah, I recognised you from your author pic.’ 

He nods at Rose to indicate her. A slow, satisfied smile spreads across her face. Dave’s still-raised eyebrows shift by degrees to show his surprise. 

‘It’s always nice to meet a fan,’ Rose purrs. 

‘Her ego did not need this,’ Dave says, trying to stand up. Rose holds onto his waist and he sighs and keeps still. ‘This is bullshit, how does this always happen. You’ve never even been a magazine. I was in the running for sexiest man, like, top 50, that’s not nothing! I’m unappreciated in my time.’

‘Dave, your greatest aspiration is to be unappreciated in your time.’

‘Yeah, for my bullshit movies, not for my looks.’ 

His slouch picks up slightly in energy when she strokes her fingers over her neck and squeezes her other arm around his waist.

‘How about we have sex with this nice gentleman, would that make you feel better?’ she asks wryly.

‘Maybe,’ Dave says.

‘No one likes a birthday brat,’ she tells him. 

This time when he goes to stand up she lets him. He helps her to her feet as well, before offering his hand to Bro. He takes it and lets himself be pulled up, and doesn’t protest when Dave fails to stop holding hands. 

The shower is huge, and Bro watches as Dave helps Rose out of her dress and she gets his cuff buttons undone. It doesn’t take much for them to become absorbed in each other. He stays in the background, still and watching. Part of his job is knowing when he’s wanted and when to hang back, especially when it comes to threesomes and moresomes. And hell, he likes to watch.

Both Dave and Rose are pretty damn conventionally attractive, but he especially likes the places they’d cover up with tailored clothes and makeup. He likes the spidery stretchmarks trailing down Rose’s upper thighs, the softness to her belly and the slight unevenness to her breasts. He likes the bizarre scars slicing across Dave’s body, the shadow of rib that marks a thinness that looked like leanness when he was clothed, the utter absence of ass. He likes it when Rose’s fringe descends into her eyes with the weight of the water and the messy way Dave strokes it back for her. 

‘You comin’ in, Bro?’

‘Got distracted by the view,’ he says with a slight smile. Flattery is also part of his job. 

He pulls his clothes off and carelessly kicks them into the corner before stepping into the shower. They both make room for him, guiding him between them in wordless synchronisation. He ends up facing Dave, Rose’s breasts just barely touching his back. 

‘Is touching okay at this juncture?’ Rose asks.

‘Encouraged, even,’ Bro says. 

‘Cool,’ Dave says, closing the distance between them so they can kiss. 

Rose’s fingers dance up Bro’s back as he eases into an increasingly dirty kiss with Dave. He fails to entirely suppress a shiver as she moves over his ticklish sides and she mercifully presses herself against his back instead of torturing him. Dave’s tongue licks roughly against Bro’s until he pulls away to breathe. Bro looks down at their erections pointedly.

‘Want to take this to the bedroom?’ he asks. ‘’Cause this is kinda distracting from the washing purpose.

‘We’ve been talking about what we want,’ Rose murmurs, her hand tracing Bro’s hipbone. ‘I think we’re on the path towards our best possible scenario. Dave?’

‘Yeah,’ Dave says. He picks up soap and starts to lather it between his hands before pressing it to Bro’s chest. ‘You tell him, babe, I talk too much shit.’

He hands the soap to Rose and she starts to massage it into Bro’s back as she talks. 

‘Dave likes it when I lose my composure,’ she says. ‘I like it too. He would like for the two of you to apply yourselves towards this goal with particular focus, culminating in my taking both of you at once. He wants to see me broken across the cliffs of orgasm, like so many waves.’ She curls Bro’s hand around the soap and he takes the unspoken suggestion and begins to wash Dave. ‘From your pictures, we speculated he might be best situated behind me, and the sight of you in person confirms that from my point of view. I like your piercings, by the way.’ 

Dave’s eyes are dark with desire, the unusual colour almost swallowed by his pupils. Bro thinks he might look the same. He learned a few months back that Rose voices her own audiobooks and he’s starting to think he needs to own those the second he leaves this hotel. 

‘And then you and I will break Dave,’ she says simply. 

Bro turns so that he can wash Rose. Dave wraps his arms around Bro’s waist. Bro can feel his dick hard against his ass. Rose’s nipples are stiff too, and he thumbs over them as he soaps up her chest. He really fucking loves his job.

‘Do I get more details?’ Bro asks.

‘I haven’t told Dave yet, so I’ll keep that to myself. I promise that it’s well within everyone’s limits. He’s easy to break, aren’t you, precious?’

‘Nah, you’re just good at breaking,’ he says. ‘She can turn me into a fuckin’ mess even when it’s over the phone, I love it.’

Rose smiles with obvious self-satisfaction. Bro can see why Dave would like this composure lost. Even when her makeup is smudged into the mid-2000s and she’s obviously turned on, it looks like it’s all part of her plan. He puts the soap down and grabs her by the waist, pulling her into a kiss that she infuriatingly seems to have also anticipated, not thrown for a second. Dave makes an approving noise deep in his throat and rocks his hips against Bro’s ass. 

Bro breaks away from Rose. His fingers tighten on her waist as he lets the tension of arousal inside him subside somewhat. 

‘Bed?’ she asks archly. 

It doesn’t take them long to get situated on the bed, though Dave barely manages to stop touching one or both of the others to get himself dry and this makes it take longer than it needed to. Rose ends up sandwiched between the two men when they get there. Bro rubs lazy circles around her nipples as they make out, Dave watching as he moves his hand between her thighs. He strokes his fingers over her sex from behind, brushing over her clit and getting more assertive as she angles herself to chase his touch. 

‘Give me a hand?’ Dave says as he pulls back to apply lube to his fingers. Bro holds his hand out too and Dave gives him some. 

A moment later and Rose lets out her first moan as she’s stimulated from both sides. Bro guides her leg onto his hip and presses closer. Dave slides his arm under her neck so that he can reach a nipple with his free hand, and after glancing conspiratorially at Dave briefly, Bro lowers his mouth to her other one. 

_’Fuck,’_ Rose swears. She tilts her head back and reaches with her hand until it’s tangled in Dave’s hair. He kisses her exposed neck lovingly. She moans again, her breath uneven. 

Bro keeps his focus on her clit even as she starts to buck her hips, obviously seeking more. Dave’s hand is moving at a decent pace as he fingers her ass. She’s developed a quiet, almost continuous noise that hitches louder when Bro closes his teeth carefully over her nipple. 

‘You’re so fuckin’ sexy,’ Dave murmurs. 

‘Dave,’ she gasps.

‘I know,’ he says. ‘Best birthday ever, shit, I’ve always wanted more hands on you.’

_‘Mmnh!’_ she moans. ‘Bro, put your fucking fingers inside me, I swear to god.’

He flicks his tongue against her nipple one last time to hear her voice crack around the word “god”, then kisses it. 

‘Nah,’ he says.

She moans and bucks her hips harder. He moves with her to keep his fingers on her clit. 

‘Dave,’ she begs.

‘We’re on the same team, sugar,’ Bro says, giving Dave a stern look. Dave looks like it physically pains him to deprive Rose of anything, but she said he wanted her ruined, so that’s what Bro’s gonna achieve. ‘I’ll give you a finger when you come for me, ‘kay?’

‘Doin’ real good,’ Dave tells her. ‘Could win awards for this shit, Bro’s about to steal you away from me because you’re so good he could make a mint from you.’

_‘I’m going to skin you both with my fingernails and then eat your musculature,’_ Rose hisses.

Bro lets a finger inch closer to her entrance and then continues his increasing pressure on her clit. She cries out, and a moment later he feels her come with gasp. He slips a finger inside her before she’s even finished, and feels her tight muscles envelop it. 

_’Fuck,’_ Dave whispers. 

‘How many fingers you up to?’ Bro asks. 

‘Two,’ Dave says. ‘She’s probs ready for three when she’s had a sec to breathe.’

‘Three enough for prep?’

‘Yeah, just want her real used to it.’

‘Guess I should stop teasin,’ Bro says. ‘Still gonna skin me?’ he asks Rose, kissing her just under her jaw. 

‘Y-you’re safe,’ she says. ‘For now …’

Bro chuckles with amusement and gives her a second finger. She hums with satisfaction, but jumps when he touches her clit again. He takes it that it’s too soon for that and keeps to fucking her slowly with his fingers. He can feel Dave’s fingers too now he’s inside her. 

She’s relaxed now, and it’s easy to give her a third, then fourth finger. When her head falls forward and she grips Bro’s shoulder, he chances moving his thumb against her clit. Her nails dig into him. 

‘Ready?’ he asks, directing his question at both of them. 

Rose nods, but doesn’t seem to be able to move away from their hands.

‘Yeah, dude. How we doing this?’

‘She even capable of ridin’ us if we sit up?’ Bro asks. ‘Better to lie down, probably.’

‘Sitting,’ Rose says, shaking her hair out of her face.

She starts to sit up so Bro and Dave retract their fingers. They move together until Dave’s legs are over the top of Bro’s so they can be close enough. Rose gets distracted kissing Dave, so Bro applies the condoms and lube. She moves into position as Bro is topping up his fingers for her sake and he passes it to Dave so he can do the same. 

Rose’s eyes are steady, her limbs no longer shaky as she moves until both dicks are pressing against her. She breathes deeply as she sits slowly down on them. 

_’Oh,’_ she says as she reaches the first rung on Bro’s Jacob’s ladder. 

‘Doin’ okay?’ he asks. 

‘Yes,’ she sighs. She closes her eyes and keeps moving. ‘I thought I’d collected myself, but it seems not.’

Dave starts to feel up Rose’s breasts as she leans down to kiss Bro, rocking against the both of them in a languid rhythm. Bro leans back on his palms and thrusts his hips up to meet her in an irregular pattern. 

She keeps slow for a while, her breath hitching every time she hits the deepest part of her movements. She braces herself on Bro’s shoulders, until she slowly adjusts and her posture transforms from careful to needy. She grips one of Dave’s hands on her breast and leans forward to kiss Bro as her hips work harder and faster. 

‘Ffffuck,’ Dave says. ‘Was tryin’ to keep my bullshit to myself, but I can totally feel your dick, dude. That’s so hot, I’m wearin’ Rose like a knitted penis hat and there’s another dick pressing up against mine. Our dicks are best buddies right now, what the fuck are straights doing pretending that you can dee-pee a chick without it being gay as shit, this is the— _oh my god,_ fuck.’

Bro laughs against Rose’s mouth.

‘The worst part is,’ Rose says, her voice huskier than it was against Bro’s cheek, ‘him talking like this,’ her movements are getting more urgent and her breath shorter, ‘actually turns me on now.’

‘Cursed you, babe, cursed you like a,’ Dave’s voice is starting to sound more desperate too, words pouring out in staccato bursts, ‘motherfucker with a beard and a, fuck, I don’t know, a fuckin’ wizard, _fuck.’_

Bro thrusts up to meet her on every drop, meeting her increasingly erratic rhythm. Her movements get stiffer until she slumps onto his shoulder, hips weak but clearly not there yet by her attempts to keep going. Dave moans in protest behind her. 

‘Lie back,’ Bro tells Dave. 

He tips Rose back too, moving with them both to keep connected. Rose wraps her legs around Bro’s hips as he starts to thrust.

Dave groans and clutches Rose closer to his chest. He seems to be past talking, but lifts a knee so he can thrust shallowly too, moving in unison with Bro. Her lips are pressed tight over a moan but it keeps escaping from her mouth and her heels are urging Bro to keep going. 

Dave comes first, reaching up to grab Bro’s thigh to signal it. Bro keeps thrusting, head bowed as he tries not to let the way Rose is again trembling in pleasure get to him too much. He’s a professional, he doesn’t need to come and he absolutely will not before she does but, _fuck_ , it’s hard to think about anything that isn’t the feeling of her, hot and wet and stretched all sensitive around him, around Dave underneath them.

She cries out and holds him so tight as she comes and he grits his teeth until he’s sure she’s really done. It’s such a relief to let himself go that he nearly forgets to hold himself up, groaning lowly as he thrusts a couple of extra times, until Rose pushes lightly at his shoulder and he takes the hint to pull out. 

He helps her off Dave and leaves to dispose of the condoms. Dave reaches out to him as he comes back past the bed, so he joins them. He had the feeling he would be invited to cuddle from how everything else had gone, and he’s more than happy to take up that invitation. He feels like he’s a welcome guest in their relationship, like they genuinely want his company. 

Rose is in the middle again, though facing Dave this time. Her hands are curled into his chest, her eyes closed. Bro cushions his head with his elbow and tentatively places his hand on her waist. Dave pulls his hand until it’s on _his_ waist, so that Bro’s arm is around her.

‘You want water?’ Bro asks. ‘Beer?’

‘In a minute,’ Rose murmurs.

Dave strokes her hair back from her face. It’s curled just a bit as it’s dried. 

‘You look all goth again,’ he says. ‘You shoulda seen her in the 80s, Bro. Grunge copied _her.’_

‘Excuse me for prioritising our threesome over touching up my makeup post-shower,’ Rose says.

‘Did I say it was a bad thing? I spent every day since I met you trying to get you to notice me, Sabrina. Smudged eyeliner and all.’

Rose makes a noise of amused agreement. Her hand lifts so she can trace over Dave’s smooth jaw. 

‘Okay, beer,’ she says. ‘Dave, go fetch us beer so that I can tell Bro my evil plans for you.’

Dave kisses her on the nose and leaves. Both Bro and Rose watch him as he goes, not to check he’s out of earshot, just because his skinny ass is actually captivating as fuck.

Rose turns over and puts her hand on Bro’s forearm when he goes to take it away from her waist. Apparently cuddles and evil plans aren’t mutually exclusive. Her eyes are heavy, but not even being thoroughly fucked can blunt the sharpness in them.

‘You’re going to blow him and I’m going to talk to him,’ she says simply.

‘Oh,’ Bro says. He tries not to look as thrown as he feels. That’s an evil plan? From the woman who wrote Calmasis’s bloodbath? ‘Cool.’

‘It would be easy to break him using the same methods the two of you used on me, and I brought a strap in case we want to do that later, but I don’t think that’s necessary. He’s just orgasmed, he doesn’t come quickly from oral anyway, and I think you know how I feel about the power of words.’

Bro doesn’t point out that she’s not _actually_ a wizard. That seems like a stupid way to get cursed. 

Dave returns with the three beers and sits against the headboard. Rose arranges herself comfortably with her back against his chest and then drapes her feet over Bro’s lap when he sits up too. 

Dave clinks the neck of his beer against Bro’s again before drinking. Bro probably shouldn’t drink much more than this, and tells himself he’ll only have half of this one. If there’s something better than this after sex though, he doesn’t know it. 

‘So are you leaving me hangin’?’ Dave asks. ‘I really don’t get to know what you’re doing to me?’

‘That _would_ be mean,’ Rose says. ‘So, Bro, your accent doesn’t sound Californian.’

Dave thunks his head back against the wall.

‘Nah, Texas. Bastardised by livin’ here a bit, but I was 20 when I moved, so pretty well owned my voice. Can ham it up for folks who want a cowboy.’

‘Cowboys are great,’ Dave says. ‘You have assless chaps?’

‘All chaps are assless chaps, they don’t come _with_ asses,’ Bro says. 

‘Cowboying sounds more interesting than I previously imagined,’ Rose remarks. 

‘Listen,’ Bro says, slight smile on so that they know that he’s at least partially kidding. ‘You have full leather pants and those bad boys are gonna give plumber’s crack a new name while you’re horseback, nah, you want the comfort of denim over your nethers, but that ain’t cuttin’ it for goin’ through heavy brush. Regardless of the porn out there, no cowboy’s neglectin’ his jeans in a saddle, you kiddin’? Most men like havin’ testicles.’

‘I’d say I’m pretty neutral on the balls,’ Dave says. ‘Not that I want them crushed between me and a horse, but if I’d been made without them then I probably wouldn’t know the difference.’

Rose looks assessingly down at Bro’s crotch. 

‘No, I think they’re like noses. Even if when taken on their own they’re not aesthetically pleasing, it would look weird without them.’

Bro puts his beer down. 

‘Uh oh, Bro’s sick of our bullshit again,’ Dave says. 

Rose moves out of the way, taking her and Dave’s beers and depositing them safely on the bedside table as she gets to her feet. 

‘One moment,’ she says to Bro. 

Bro acknowledges her with a rough, ‘Mm.’ He decides not to touch Dave at all, just to be safe, even though Rose has left the room and couldn’t know. He doesn’t mind her telling him what to do. 

He drags his eyes with laconic ease over Dave’s body, down his chest, around the lines of his thigh and calf. When he leisurely retraces his path back up, Dave’s starting to harden. Bro’s mouth twitches up slightly.

Rose reenters the room with Dave’s tie around her neck. She takes a quick sip of beer before kneeling on the bed. 

‘Lie on your back,’ she tells Dave. 

Bro takes hold of Dave’s ankles and pulls him obligingly.

‘Hey!’ Dave says as he lands.

‘Thank you,’ Rose says. ‘Hands, Dave.’

He holds out his wrists for Rose to wrap his tie around. Bro pushes back the compulsion to check her knotwork. She leaves a tail out and holds his hands to his chest by it as she settles onto her side next to him. 

‘You may begin,’ she says magnanimously. 

Bro rolls his eyes before lying down as directed. Dave looks torn as to where to look, his eyes flicking between the two of them. Bro starts licking him slowly, watching Rose stroke Dave’s hair back. He doesn’t see that he needs to give Dave’s dick his full attention when he’s still curious as to what Rose is doing.

‘Why are my hands tied?’ Dave asks. 

‘Because you’ll try and touch us,’ Rose says. ‘Maybe later I’ll let you, just not now.’

She kisses him on his bound fingers and draws back enough to lie relaxed beside him. Bro’s not used to dudes being so focused on someone who’s barely touching them when he’s blowing them. He takes Dave into his mouth and sucks, and is rewarded with a groan and the sight of his hands flexing in their constraints. 

‘Your eyes, they speak the sun’s whole truth to me,’ Rose murmurs. Bro is surprised again; he’d expected dirty talk. ‘They hold a secret that is so sublime. Your lips, they set me free on extasy. You know, my dear, I tell you all the time.’

She’s rhyming, Bro realises. And he can’t count the syllables to be sure, but there’s a subtle, rolling emphasis to her words. He’s pretty sure she’s reciting a sonnet. What magnificent weirdos these two are. He doesn’t blame Dave for staring into her eyes as if she really is holding him under a spell. 

Doesn’t stop him from trying to compete for his attention by puttin’ a little passion into it, sucking like if he does a good enough job, he’ll be the one to orgasm. He stops looking up at them and closes his eyes, focusing on the feel of cock on his tongue, stretching his lips and filling his mouth.

‘Your hands, they hold the power to amaze; the skill you wield is something to behold. Your hips, they drive intense, steady, always; I hold, and you bestow pleasure untold.’

‘Rose,’ Dave moans. ‘You’re killing me. I can’t, you’re too …’ He swallows and strains against his tie. ‘You can’t be reading me poetry,’ he _gasps,_ ‘when I’m getting a blowjob, it’s fucking crass, I’m ruining the,’ he groans lowly and doesn’t seem able to speak for a few seconds. Rose waits patiently. ‘I’m ruining poetry,’ he manages. ‘God _damn,_ Bro, do you have a, fuck, a rating system where I can speciffff … ically give you five stars for oral?’

Bro pauses with his lips framing the head, looks up long enough to catch Dave’s eye and wink, then sucks as he eases down, taking it slow as he envelops his dick in his throat for the first time. 

_’Oh my fucking god, oh fuuuck,’_ Dave moans.

‘Your heart, it’s _heroic_ in its beauty,’ Rose continues, as if uninterrupted. ‘It carries mine, I entrust it to you. Your soul is compassion absolutely, each day I fall in love with it anew. I adore you, you are my radiant knight. I love you, for you’re my own starlight.’

_’Rose,’_ he groans. ‘Rose, let me touch you.’

‘No,’ she says.

She makes it through almost two more poems before he comes. She places her hand gently on Bro’s head when he goes to pull off and keeps him there, sucking more gently, until she finishes her last couplet in that same measured rhythm. Dave makes helpless, overstimulated noises, but he doesn’t tell either of them to stop.

Bro braces himself on his elbow and watches as Rose frees Dave. Dave leaves his hands on his chest, quiet for once, with heavy-lidded eyes. Rose kisses him on the forehead, then the lips when he angles his chin up, seeking. 

‘He needs quite extreme measures in place before he will hear a compliment,’ Rose says, looking over at Bro. 

‘Think he was right when he said you’re good at breaking,’ Bro says mildly. 

‘He’s very clever,’ Rose says.

‘Rose,’ Dave protests.

Rose motions for Bro to come up and join them, so he moves carefully around Dave’s relaxed legs. He mirrors her when she moves closer to Dave, wrapping an arm around Dave’s waist without making either of them ask for it. He strokes his fingers up and down Dave’s side, trying to make his touch as soothing as possible. Dave’s gone the kind of quiet Bro associates with a heavier scene, and probably needs grounding.

‘I’m thinking we order room service in a bit,’ Rose says. ‘Something very decadent, as it’s our birthdays.’

‘Not yours yet,’ Dave mumbles.

‘I would have cake for a meal even if it was July,’ Rose says. ‘Cake should not be restricted to special occasions. You won’t have to go work out obsessively if we buy you cake, will you, Bro? Do you possess even a single percentage of body fat?’

‘Cake sounds fine,’ he says. ‘Was assuming I’d be having the kinda food they make delicious with lots of butter and salt here anyway.’

‘Two in one with cake.’

‘They don’t put salt in cake, Rose,’ Dave says.

‘Yes, they do.’

‘Like a teaspoon,’ Bro says. ‘Not exactly “lots”.’

‘I’ll concede that,’ Rose says.

‘Holy shit,’ Dave says. ‘I’ve literally never heard you say that before. Say it again. Say it sexy. Tell us you were wrong.’

Rose moves to lie across Dave’s chest. His breathing sounds more laboured than it probably is. Rose doesn’t look like this production makes her feel sympathetic. 

‘Say you were wrong,’ he manages. She does not. She does, however, get off his chest after a few more seconds. Dave gasps theatrically and pretends to choke to death. ‘If only,’ he wheezes, ‘I got to hear ... you were wrong ... just once …’ He flops against the bed.

‘So is he an actor?’ Bro asks incredulously.

‘Director,’ Rose says.

‘Ah, okay.’

‘Dude,’ Dave says, magically alive again. ‘Don’t say that like that makes sense. I was obviously being shit on purpose.’

‘That’s the tagline of his next movie,’ Rose says.

_’Dude.’_

Rose kisses him, brief and gentle, and he’s immediately appeased. He pulls her to his chest and Bro only just gets his arm out of the way before Dave rolls her over so that he’s now the one squashing her. She messes up his hair and he licks her face. Romance is beautiful.

Dave looks up and grins at Bro.

‘So are we on the blocklist or can I save your number for the next time she thinks she’s in the doghouse?’

‘I’ll take your calls,’ he says. 

‘I think he likes us,’ Rose sing-songs, so light and easy that it’s clear that Dave barely has his weight on her. 

‘You’re alright,’ Bro shrugs. 

He wonders if it’s mean of him to hope Rose gets in trouble soon. He doesn’t mind being a bribe if it’s with these two.


End file.
